Today: 21.04.2018
News
Opinion
Business
Living
Metro
Tech
Sport

Last News

01:44
Today
01:11
Today
00:55
Today
00:45
Today
00:17
Today
23:45
20.04.2018
22:50
20.04.2018
22:46
20.04.2018
22:19
20.04.2018
20:57
20.04.2018
20:07
20.04.2018
20:04
20.04.2018
19:26
20.04.2018
18:21
20.04.2018
17:33
20.04.2018
16:00
20.04.2018
15:54
20.04.2018
15:48
20.04.2018
15:44
20.04.2018
15:40
20.04.2018
15:30
20.04.2018
15:19
20.04.2018
15:07
20.04.2018
14:57
20.04.2018
14:09
20.04.2018
13:50
20.04.2018
13:46
20.04.2018
13:39
20.04.2018
12:14
20.04.2018
12:10
20.04.2018

Divorce is contagious — and it happened to me.

Most of us go through life believing that all of our choices are as unique and individual as we are. As our future unfolds, we’re comfortable in the notion that however, the story goes, at least we made the choices we made of our own accord — but it’s not quite that simple. Our friends...
Time: 13:04     Date: 16.04.2018
US Living News: Divorce is contagious — and it happened to me. NY Post 24 - US News

As our future unfolds, we’re comfortable in the notion that however, the story goes, at least we made the choices we made of our own accord — but it’s not quite that simple.

Our friends give us the formula for life

Take for example the fact that, for many circles of friends, the years between 28 and 32 will be littered with more weddings than your wallet can handle. For a few years there you’ll be swilling champagne and dancing the Nutbush what feels like every weekend.

A few years later, as if on cue, the babies will start filing out, one by one.

Is it a coincidence that most of our friends find their soulmates and then start having babies all within the same few years of each other? Of course not.

There is a big social component to the times at which we each decide to make major life decisions like marriage — including, research suggests, when and if those marriages end.

According to a study conducted across three US universities, you’re 75 percent more likely to get divorced if at least one member of your close friendship circle ends their marriage.

Yep, 75 percent.

Researchers arrived at this extraordinary figure using a longitudinal study which examined participants over a 32-year period. Their findings, published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information showed that divorce was something that could be passed on through “social contagion.”

The divorce cluster

iStockphoto

Rosie* was never expecting to wind up single at 30.

Married to the man of her dreams since she was 25 and running a successful small business, she thought she knew the way her life was going to play out.

The couple had a tight-knit group of friends whose weekends were filled with the kind of Insta-worthy pursuits that most young inner-city millennials take part in.

“We were always organizing brunches, weekends away and nights out together,” she explains to whimn.com.au. “It was that magic stage where most of us were coupled up but no one had kids yet, so we were cashed up young professionals in love with our city and our friends. It was a great time.”

Before long, however, cracks in Rosie’s relationship with her husband, Fergus* began to show.

“It was nothing too dramatic,” she reveals. “Just the usual problems that begin to snowball if you don’t address them early on.”

“We realized we’d actually been growing apart for years; he worked away a lot and when he was home we both favored group activities to couple time, perhaps because we sensed we had less and less in common over time.”

Long story short, Rosie and Fergus decided to separate. Rosie initially worried that her new relationship status would alienate her from the rest of their coupled-up gang until another close friend confided that she was experiencing similar problems in her own marriage.

A chain reaction?

Over the next few months, Rosie found herself commiserating with her troubled friend over her relationship, while trying to come to terms with her own heartbreak.

Eventually, the news she’d been expecting came when her friend turned up on her doorstep: she’d left her husband as well.

Suddenly, the two women who had been bridesmaids at each other’s weddings just a few years earlier found themselves living together as roommates after their respective break-ups. By the time a third friend showed up unexpectedly on their doorstep one night, tearfully proclaiming that her own marriage had ended, Rosie and her friends were well and truly weirded out.

“I started feeling really weird, not only about my own relationship but about whether I was codependent with my friends — or if they were dependent on me,” she explains. “It was just a really bizarre thing and I wondered if I had set off this chain reaction, or if deep down I’d been trying to plant seeds in their heads. It was a bit of a headf**k, really.”

It turns out Rosie isn’t alone in her experience.

We spoke to Shelly, 42, who now lives in London after a divorce cluster ran through her friendship group. While she wasn’t actually married to her long-term partner when they split, they’d shared a life and home for seven years.

Like Rosie, Shelly was part of a tight-knit group who spent a lot of time with one another.

“It was so easy,” she said. “You never had to make any plans — you just had your crew and it was assumed you would spend every non-working day together.”

“When the first couple broke up, it was scary and, of course, you start to (perhaps selfishly) think ‘how will this impact me, I hope things don’t change.’ And then they do.”

Shelly’s friend was newly single, which meant that along with the tales of woe, Shelly and her other coupled-up girlfriends were exposed to their separated friends new single adventures.

“We heard stories of Tinder and single girl exploits and we looked on from our lustless relationships with curiosity and envy,” she admits.

Dan Auerbach, Relationship Counsellor with Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney, says this can be a contributing factor to the phenomenon of divorce contagion.

“When our friends are feeling unburdened from their old relationship and are telling us of new and exciting experiences with new partners, we may also start to long for the early romantic connection we felt with our partner,” he said.

“If the relationship hasn’t matured past the early infatuation phase which typically lasts six-24 months, we can feel start to feel agitated, distressed or empty and alone and unfulfilled.”

Sure enough, another couple from Shelly’s group began to fall apart.

“As the second relationship started to show cracks, everything changed. Before anything even happened, I could feel the shift in energy and I just wondered how this was all going to go.”

The second couple called it quits only a few months later and Shelly says that initially, this brought her closer to her partner.

“We felt united,” she explained. “Others hadn’t made it through, but we were different and we could. It felt like us against the world in some respects — we wondered how we could support our friends through this, but also felt proud for being strong enough to make it through. It also felt like we suddenly had each other to ourselves and didn’t have to worry about anyone else. However, as time went on, despite the foundations of a strong relationship clearly being intact, bickering got worse and I now wonder if a relationship that was so buffered by best friends, adventures, laughs and booze was suddenly forced out into the open.”

“Without this buffer, the underlying issues became apparent and sadly, we didn’t make it either,” Shelly says. But she doesn’t believe it’s all just down to peer pressure. “I think losing our core group of friends shone a light on existing issues and perhaps sped up the process of breaking up sooner than it would have played out otherwise.”

The other side of the fence

iStockphoto

Dan Auerbach says that empathy can be another factor in divorce clustering.

“We generally choose friends who we respect, admire or closely relate to,” he explains.

“When our friends share their experiences with us we are placing ourselves emotionally ‘into their shoes.’ That sort of experience can make us start to relate our friends’ experience and their chosen solutions, to our own lives.”

Basically, it becomes much easier to make that leap into deciding our own problems are more serious.

“When our friends share that they have separated from their partner after a long struggle to repair their relationship, it’s natural to notice the difficulties in our own relationship,” Dan continues. “If our friends seem relieved we may also start to relate those solutions to our own difficulties. As social beings, there is a strong contagion effect where we watch other’s experience, relate to it and try and use it as information in our own lives.”

So what is the lesson in all this? Should we be choosing our friends based on the strength of their marriages in order to innoculate our own against failure?

Dan reckons early intervention and open communication is a better option.

“Most couples go through cycles of disconnection or conflict,” he says.

“Getting through these phases and learning to communicate and respond to each other’s emotional needs is a very delicate process. When our friends separate we can experience a great deal of anxiety about own relationship security. If we don’t feel closely connected to our partner or are having regular fights, we can start to layer our friend’s decision onto our own very different situation as a logical solution. Unfortunately, most couples get stuck in conflict or distance patterns that don’t necessarily resolve themselves without some skilled intervention.”

Living

US Living News: ‘Hi, Mom? I broke my penis’. NY Post 24 - US News
‘Hi, Mom? I broke my penis’.
His story is part cautionary tale, part punchline. Four years ago, Ross Asdourian hooked up with a girl he knew from college....
US Living News: Try cricket noodles and bird embryos at this NYC food fair. NY Post 24 - US News
Try cricket noodles and bird embryos at this NYC food fair.
You don’t need a plane ticket to taste your way around the globe. Simply grab your MetroCard and head to the Queens Night...
US Living News: People will pay hundreds of dollars for a bottle of this hot sauce. NY Post 24 - US News
People will pay hundreds of dollars for a bottle of this hot sauce.
For true hot sauce lovers, no condiment is too hot — or, too expensive. Take the fans of Mad Dog 357 Plutonium hot sauce....
US Living News: Kangaroo killed by tourists tossing bricks to make it hop. NY Post 24 - US News
Kangaroo killed by tourists tossing bricks to make it hop.
A kangaroo was killed at a zoo in China and another injured after being pelted by tourists with bricks — in a bid to see...

Opinion

Last US News - Opinion: The ‘not-line’ sums up how de Blasio really rolls. NY Post 24 - US News
The ‘not-line’ sums up how de Blasio really rolls.
The hotline that proved to be a “not-line” pretty much sums up Mayor de Blasio’s approach to governing: all show, no...
Last US News - Opinion: Little Rocket Man blinks. NY Post 24 - US News
Little Rocket Man blinks.
North Korea announced late Friday that it’s stopping all nuke tests and ICBM launches. Is Pyongyang really getting ready...
Last US News - Opinion: Don’t make the Bull follow the Girl. NY Post 24 - US News
Don’t make the Bull follow the Girl.
It looks like Wall Street’s two opposing statuary icons, “Charging Bull” and “Fearless Girl,” are going to remain...
Last US News - Opinion: Just how bad is America, really?. NY Post 24 - US News
Just how bad is America, really?.
I don’t normally watch the GLAAD Media Awards. Not that there’s anything wrong with them. But I did see a video of Britney...
Last US News - Opinion: Yes, taxpayer money is going to fund WFP activism. NY Post 24 - US News
Yes, taxpayer money is going to fund WFP activism.
After the Working Families Party endorsed Cynthia Nixon, Gov. Cuomo is said to have threatened the funding of nonprofit groups...

Living

US Living News: ‘Hi, Mom? I broke my penis’. NY Post 24 - US News
‘Hi, Mom? I broke my penis’.
His story is part cautionary tale, part punchline. Four years ago, Ross Asdourian hooked up with a girl he knew from college....
US Living News: Try cricket noodles and bird embryos at this NYC food fair. NY Post 24 - US News
Try cricket noodles and bird embryos at this NYC food fair.
You don’t need a plane ticket to taste your way around the globe. Simply grab your MetroCard and head to the Queens Night...
US Living News: People will pay hundreds of dollars for a bottle of this hot sauce. NY Post 24 - US News
People will pay hundreds of dollars for a bottle of this hot sauce.
For true hot sauce lovers, no condiment is too hot — or, too expensive. Take the fans of Mad Dog 357 Plutonium hot sauce....
US Living News: Kangaroo killed by tourists tossing bricks to make it hop. NY Post 24 - US News
Kangaroo killed by tourists tossing bricks to make it hop.
A kangaroo was killed at a zoo in China and another injured after being pelted by tourists with bricks — in a bid to see...
US Living News: The Met museum rooftop has been invaded by aliens. NY Post 24 - US News
The Met museum rooftop has been invaded by aliens.
The aliens have landed. Well, one of them has — and it’s on the Met’s roof. Huma Bhabha’s installation, “We Come...
US Living News: Teen dies after taking ‘Netflix and Chill’ ecstasy pills. NY Post 24 - US News
Teen dies after taking ‘Netflix and Chill’ ecstasy pills.
A 15-year-old died after she took ecstasy pills dubbed “Netflix and Chill” at an end of school term party, an...
US Living News: This ‘geode cake’ sure looks like a vagina. NY Post 24 - US News
This ‘geode cake’ sure looks like a vagina.
Abby Jimenez, owner of bakery Nadia Cakes, couldn’t wait to show off her geode cake — on social media. She designed the...
US Living News: Clean the air in your home with these NASA-approved plants. NY Post 24 - US News
Clean the air in your home with these NASA-approved plants.
In the UK, a heatwave has brought toxic air pollution – but indoors you can breathe easy thanks to some cheap houseplants....

Business

Last US Business News: ‘Canadian Warren Buffet’ makes $237M bid to acquire Toys ‘R’ Us. NY Post 24 - US News
‘Canadian Warren Buffet’ makes $237M bid to acquire Toys ‘R’ Us.
Billionaires are dueling over Geoffrey the giraffe. Prem Watsa, the “Canadian Warren Buffet,” has filed a stalking-horse...
Last US Business News: Harvey asks judge to force Weinstein Co. to hand over files. NY Post 24 - US News
Harvey asks judge to force Weinstein Co. to hand over files.
Harvey Weinstein wants to “exonerate himself.” The pervy producer asked a bankruptcy court judge on Friday to order the...
Last US Business News: Quarterly iPhone sales may dip thanks to weak demand in China. NY Post 24 - US News
Quarterly iPhone sales may dip thanks to weak demand in China.
The weather may be getting warmer, but iPhone sales are cooling off. Sales of Apple’s popular smartphone will fall roughly...
Last US Business News: How big-name concerts forced the NFL to juggle its schedule. NY Post 24 - US News
How big-name concerts forced the NFL to juggle its schedule.
The NFL is the world’s most powerful entertainment machine, but even it can’t mess with stars like Ed Sheeran, Taylor...
Last US Business News: YouTube ran ads for big firms on Nazi, pedophilia channels. NY Post 24 - US News
YouTube ran ads for big firms on Nazi, pedophilia channels.
YouTube has been accused of showing ads from multi-national companies on channels promoting extremism, Nazis and even pedophilia....
Last US Business News: US taps Lockheed for nearly $1B hypersonic weapon project. NY Post 24 - US News
US taps Lockheed for nearly $1B hypersonic weapon project.
The US Air Force has tapped defense giant Lockheed Martin to develop a hypersonic weapon, in a deal reportedly worth $928...
Last US Business News: Wells Fargo will pay $1B fine to end mortgage, auto loan probes. NY Post 24 - US News
Wells Fargo will pay $1B fine to end mortgage, auto loan probes.
Wells Fargo on Friday agreed to pay a $1 billion fine to end a federal probe into whether it systematically ripped off mortgage...
Last US Business News: China’s ZTE claims US ban on company jeopardizes its survival. NY Post 24 - US News
China’s ZTE claims US ban on company jeopardizes its survival.
HONG KONG – China’s ZTE Corp  said on Friday that a U.S. ban on the sale of parts and software to the company was...

Metro

Metro News: Weepy City Council wannabe gets off easy for trying to swindle city out of $20K. NY Post 24 - US News
Weepy City Council wannabe gets off easy for trying to swindle city out of $20K.
A City Council-member wannabe got wrist-slapped with a no-prison sentence Friday for trying to swindle the city out of almost...
Metro News: What the car ban means for travel in Central Park. NY Post 24 - US News
What the car ban means for travel in Central Park.
The world’s most famous green space is about to get a lot greener. All private vehicles will be banned from Central Park...
Metro News: Father-in-law of longtime Post employee dies at 82. NY Post 24 - US News
Father-in-law of longtime Post employee dies at 82.
The father-in-law of a longtime manager who oversees the daily production of the New York Post at its Bronx printing plant...
Metro News: Cynthia Nixon makes 2050 renewable energy vow. NY Post 24 - US News
Cynthia Nixon makes 2050 renewable energy vow.
Democratic gubernatorial hopeful Cynthia Nixon said Friday she would make New York 100 percent reliant on renewable energy...
Metro News: Over 1,300 sexual harassment complaints filed against NYC workers. NY Post 24 - US News
Over 1,300 sexual harassment complaints filed against NYC workers.
The mayor’s office and New York City city agencies fielded 1,312 complaints of sexual harassment by municipal workers against...
Metro News: FBI busts cop for allegedly dealing drugs out of his cruiser. NY Post 24 - US News
FBI busts cop for allegedly dealing drugs out of his cruiser.
A New Jersey police officer was busted by FBI agents Friday for allegedly dealing crack and heroin — sometimes right out...
Metro News: Morgan Freeman had affair with step-granddaughter: alleged murderer. NY Post 24 - US News
Morgan Freeman had affair with step-granddaughter: alleged murderer.
Before she was murdered, Morgan Freeman’s step-granddaughter told her boyfriend-turned-killer that the actor had been...
Metro News: Cop killer Herman Bell’s parole is back on schedule. NY Post 24 - US News
Cop killer Herman Bell’s parole is back on schedule.
Former Black Liberation Army terrorist and three-time cop killer Herman Bell is eligible for parole, an Albany judge decided...

Sport

Last US Sport News: Yoenis Cespedes thinks golf may be solution for curious slump. NY Post 24 - US News
Yoenis Cespedes thinks golf may be solution for curious slump.
ATLANTA — Yoenis Cespedes wishes he knew how to quit golf. Yes, it sounds like La Potencia will be spotted soon enough...
Last US Sport News: Of Mice and Men and Stitches. NY Post 24 - US News
Of Mice and Men and Stitches.
So let me get this straight. Mayor de Blasio wants to rid NYCHA, if not all of NYC, of unwanted rodents but the Football...
Last US Sport News: Yoenis Cespedes’ clutch hit in 12th propels Mets past Braves. NY Post 24 - US News
Yoenis Cespedes’ clutch hit in 12th propels Mets past Braves.
ATLANTA — After four straight strikeouts, Yoenis Cespedes was due to make contact Friday night. Instead of thinking big,...
Last US Sport News: LeBron, Cavaliers blow double-digit lead in Game 3 crusher. NY Post 24 - US News
LeBron, Cavaliers blow double-digit lead in Game 3 crusher.
INDIANAPOLIS — Bojan Bogdanovic scored 30 points, leading the Pacers back from a 17-point halftime deficit for a 92-90...
Last US Sport News: Sonny Gray awful again as Yankees fall to Blue Jays. NY Post 24 - US News
Sonny Gray awful again as Yankees fall to Blue Jays.
Two and one half months isn’t enough of a sample to affix a grade to Sonny Gray’s pinstripe report card. Yet, that’s...